So Long And Thanks For All The Fish
by the ice skating sheep
Summary: Guy makes a bet with Mac which involves fishing. Need I say more? If you have stumbled upon this section by mistake do not be afraid, please look inside and review if at all possible, if not you may run away screaming.
1. Gone Fishing

So Long and Thanks for all the fish

Disclaimer: I do not own Green Wing – clever people who can actually write comedy do!

Summary: Guy makes a bet with Mac – involves fish.

Chapter One

"What are you reading?" Guy sat down on the sofa next to Mac in the staffroom.

"It's a book."

"Let me see. It's crap." He said and tossed it aside.

"Hey. I was reading that!"

"I bet I'm better at reading than you are."

"I bet you're not."

"I bet I am. I bet I'm better at a lot of things than you are."

"Okay. Like what?"

"Like skipping. Or singing. Yeah – gotta be better at singing."

"How about sudoku?"

"No problem. Do them in my sleep. I bet I could finish a hundred sudoku before you've even done one – no half of one!"

"Anything else you claim to be better at than me or can I go back to reading now?" Mac asked impatiently.

"Fishing. I bet I can fish better than you."

"Okay prove it."

"I-I can't."

"Why not?"

"I haven't got a fishing rod. Or any fish."

"That wouldn't stop a true fisherman." Mac said retrieving his book from off the floor.

"Look its Caroline!" Guy called out as she walked into the room.

"Alright I'm leaving."

"No don't go Caroline. Guy wants to catch you – he's fishing."

"Fishing for what Mac, Guy?"

"I'm fishing for… fish – I mean you."

"Are you saying I smell like fish – you are aren't you? You're saying I smell like fish!" Caroline hurriedly left the room.

"Wow great fishing there." Mac clapped his hands. "I thought the idea was to catch fish, not let them get away."

"Oh shut up. I'm a better fisherman than you'll ever be. Watch me – I'll show you."

"Dr. Todd – can I have a word" Dr. Stratham called out to Caroline as she was passing him in the corridor.

"Certainly Dr. Stratham. Actually can I ask you a question? Good. Do you think I smell like fish?"

"F-fish?"

"Yes fish, swim in the sea, people's pond's, lakes – fish. Do you think I smell like fish?"

"Well – I…"

"Oh god I do. I smell all fishy. I'm like a huge walking fish!" Caroline cried and rushed off.

"Damn it. Nearly had her." Guy stamped his foot in frustration as his line narrowly missed a moving Caroline.

"You know what you're problem is don't you?" Mac asked sidling up behind Guy.

"No – there's no problem, if she had been half a second slower I would have got her."

"You mean you should have been half a second slower, you were too quick with your line there. But no, that's not the problem. You've got the wrong tackle."

"What? No I haven't."

"Yeah, it's too small. You need one that's bigger." Mac said emphasising the final word before sloping off.

"Wait what do you mean by it's too small?" Guy said and hurried after him. "Cos if you're referring to downstairs you're way off the mark – I'm huge, ginormous. I bet I'm bigger than you."

"No Guy – I'm not comparing." Mac held his hands up as if surrendering and carried on walking.

"Why not? Are you scared you'll come up short?"

"No, it's because I'm not gay. Now go back to your fishing."

"Have you ever wondered what happens when you die?" Caroline asked Mac as they sat having lunch.

"I suppose everything goes black, you close you're eyes and never open them again."

"Wow – so it's like a never-ending blink – just without the blinking part."

"Yeah I guess."

"I wonder if there really are pearly gates in heaven."

"I don't think they're in heaven, more just outside. But pearl is so old fashioned. I reckon God would have re-decorated by now, I think they're more likely to be a sort of chrome finish. Electric so the angels can open them with the touch of a button."

"Huh. Or there aren't any gates, and it's just a really long drive, ending with a giant shrub."

"I don't think shrubs can be giant. Why would god have a shrub?"

"Maybe God likes gardening."

"Oh, he's more likely to have a vegetable patch then."

"I don't think a vegetable patch can take the place of the pearly gates."

"Chrome gates."

"Sorry chrome gates."

"What are you talking about ginger-head?"

"Whether God has re-decorated or not. Pearl or chrome gates?" Caroline asked.

"Neither. God would have far better taste. He would gold gates –solid, 24 carat gold gates." Guy told them.

"I didn't think you had time for lunch today." Mac said watching Guy unwrap his sandwich. "Don't you have lots of fishing to do?"

"I'm strategising, planning my next fishy move." Guy said looking around the canteen in a secretive manner.

"Well I have to go, some of us like to pretend to do work, instead of just ignoring it completely." Mac said and left the table.


	2. Caught!

Disclaimer: Same as before, I do not – yawn – own green wing – yawn.

Summary: Also the same as before, just without as much of the fishing.

Chapter Two

There was a giant tortoise in the office.

"What is it?" Karen asked standing up from her desk.

"I think it's a giant tortoise." Harriet said.

"Oh." The rest of the girls chorused and carried on working.

"Do you think it wants feeding?" Karen asked. "Or a drink."

"I suppose you could make it a cup of tea." Kim said.

"I always love a good cup of tea when I'm thirsty." Harriet said, still trying to work out where the loose thread was on her jumper, it was the same loose thread she had been chasing around the office all morning.

"Do you think it would want a sandwich as well?" Karen asked moving to get the tea for the tortoise.

"I don't know why don't you ask it." Rachel suggested.

"Giant tortoise. Hello giant tortoise, are you hungry, would you like a sandwich?" Karen asked.

There was no answer from the giant tortoise.

"I'll get you one anyway." Karen said and left the office.

"Caroline. Caroline!" Guy called.

"What now Guy?" she asked.

"Can you do me a favour?"

"That depends, what is it?"

"I need to catch you. Can you pretend that I've caught you with my fishing rod?" Guy asked holding up his black rod.

"No!" Caroline said.

"Oh come on. I promise I'll…"

"You'll what Guy…"

"Erm, I'll buy you lunch."

"But we had lunch earlier."

"Please!" Guy said.

"Oh alright." Caroline said and attached the hook to the collar of her white doctors coat.

"Joanna." Dr. Stratham came out of his office and saw her walking past him. She did not look at him but carried on walking. "Joanna!" he called out again.

"Not now Alan." She told him.

"B-but…"

"Oh alright, in here." She said and pulled them into a nearby cupboard just as Caroline was seen dragging Guy along the floor using his own fishing rod.

"Oh look Mac, Guy has caught me." Caroline depanned.

"Really. That's why you're pulling him along."

"Uh-huh." She nodded.

"Ok. Guy congratulations you win."

"I do, I win. Yes!" he jumped up excitedly before reclaiming his former composure. That lasted for just a second and then he was off dancing down the corridor singing about his great and noble triumph over Mac. Caroline and Mac just looked at each other.

"Fancy a drink at the pub?" he asked.

"Yeah why not." She said and they both left Guy cartwheeling away. Or at least he was until he crashed into Boyce leading a llama in the opposite direction to him.


End file.
